When Your Partner Shuts Down – How to Deal With it

A relationship is about sharing and caring, and communicating our feelings out loud. We need to feel comfortable together so that we can achieve the best communication and intimacy possible. This is what all couples should be striving for. 

A healthier and better relationship as time goes by. Sometimes one of the partner with the relationship can become selfish, disinterested, distant and self-centered. Is this happening in your relationship? Are you struggling to reach your mate on an intimate level? The partner who is distant can leave the other with feelings of insecurity and uneasiness. This will cause him or her to second guess their actions and words constantly.

Why do you feel that your partner is shutting down? Are they pushing you further from the relationship than you are comfortable with? This will feel like a slap in the face, especially if you were close before. If they are not talking to you about the relationship, they are not calling and you feel shut out and what’s even more frustrating is this behaviour can go on for many months. Most of us have been down this road and my reaction when it happened in my relationship a few years ago was to shut down. We were long distance, so that made it even worse. I stopped calling, I stopped chasing; quite frankly I was fed up! Eventually I heard from him, after about two weeks, he sent me an email and requested that we talk. We talked, but nothing was resolved, he was to insecure with his own emotions to admit that the relationship was not working for him, and he strung me along for another six months. This behaviour happened on and off throughout most of our relationship. It’s a wonder I put up with it for so long.

Most people need their space, this even more important for men, but to shut your partner out is suicide to the relationship. Many people have told me that a man will shut down when women try to control them and are needy and nag too much. Problem is though, women are portraying their needy side because the man is pushing them aside. It’s a double edged sword. We’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t. We know our men like us to be close, especially in the bedroom if you catch my drift. But when we ask for closeness we are labelled as needy. I think some men want to have their cake and eat it too. Women can be guilty of this too. I know I have been in the past.

We tend to pull away when we feel threatened. Perhaps one partner is fed us with the distance and threatens the other that he/she will leave. This is hardly going to build closeness. Men in particular do not want to feel needy towards their woman, and may pull away from the relationship. A woman may do the same, she may stop all sexual contact because she feels insecure within the relationship. This kind of behaviour serves no purpose except to drive a wedge between the couple. Some people may even be afraid of commitment and they are not aware of this fear. Being aware of our fears and expectations within a relationship and expressing these concerns is the first step to good communication and closeness.

The cure for this problem is easy, communication and participating in activities that you both enjoy will encourage closeness and you will both enjoy life and your relationship even more. Joining your partner at a social get-together at work, or a football match is a start. You may not like football however, it is important to be willing to do things that your partner enjoys. They will appreciate the efforts you are making and will most likely respond in kind. You partner will also feel good about him or her self and this will build the security within the relationship to a higher level. Trust, closeness and communication will increase and you and your relationship will be the winners in this scenario.

There could be things that you do that set off the distance within your partner. Analyse your actions and try to piece together what was happening before your partner went AWOL. Think about the things that you say and do, and how this may lead to them becoming distant. Is there pressure in the relationship? Are you both under a great deal of stress for any reason? Are there money worries? Are there health concerns? Many of these problems have a solution. Do you tell them that you love and need them all the time? Maybe it is time to back off on saying these things. This could be putting undue pressure on the relationship. There is such a thing as telling someone you love them too much, besides actions speak louder than words. Try to think of ways you can show your love, rather than speak of love.

Keeping the relationship alive is easy once you get that creative mind of yours working. Fighting and arguing is a lot harder, than creating a pleasant environment for your partner. If you are a woman reading this, then nurturing your relationship is second nature to you. We as women give our relationships top priority. Unfortunately for us though, men do not. Men are more concerned with success and stability. It should be a two way street but if you get the ball rolling, he will respond and make the effort too. When he comes home from work late at night, make him a nice snack and a nightcap and let him relax in his favourite chair. Make him coffee in the morning, or make his lunch before he leaves every day, this will show your love more effectively than saying the words. Make a point of doing the things your partner likes. Dress nicely, and make sure you smell nice. Prepare a nice meal for the two of you, and open a nice bottle of wine. These are all simple things that both of you can do the keep your relationship alive and happy. We all like to feel that our partner is making the extra effort to show their love for us.



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Copyright © 2013 Janelle Coulton

Is Your Relationship Falling Apart?

That space of time we call “Falling in Love”. We wish this passionate phase in our lives could last forever. The heady feelings of lust and romance, that sweet feeling you get when your lover takes you by the hand. This passion does not last. It is unrealistic to expect it would.

When you think about it, the act of falling in love is somewhat exhausting and for some it may be a relief when the rush of love settles down. And in it’s place comes a stronger love. Some relationships may end when the passion wears off, as one partner may misunderstand the other, and not feel loved anymore. In many situations this is not the case. Remember back to when you and your love first fell in love. Do you remember the excitement and the sleepless nights? It is true what they say; that man cannot live on love alone. For your relationship to go the distance, that euphoria of excitement and passion needs to be replaced with the act of growing in love together, learning about each other and building a solid foundation based on love, trust and commitment that will last forever.

In every relationship, even in their infancy there are tell tale signs that will show you whether the relationship and your significant other is growing and moving along in the right direction or heading up the garden path. In writing this article, I make the assumption that it’s early days in the relationship, and this is a guide for those who may feel as though something is amiss and may be able to fix the problem or leave and find a more suitable partner.

Does your lover call regularly and are you spending plenty of quality time together? When you first fell in love it was impossible to imagine being apart from each other, however it is quite normal for those feelings to subside and for both partners to wish to have some space outside the relationship. If it seems like your mate is otherwise engaged in various activities and not calling regularly or taking you out very much, then this could be a sign that things are not well in your relationship.

Do you both agree on most issues, such as your basic needs and values? This is an important sign as to whether you are both right for each other. In the euphoric state of love you probably agreed on most things. But if you feel that you are both bickering about the important issues and perhaps the minor ones, like what to have for dinner, this could mean trouble. A time will come when you will not discuss issues and hold your feelings inside and that can cause the most emotionally mature person to explode in frustration and anger.

Do you have many interests that you both share, like a love of animals or music? Imagine your love serenading you with a love song, whilst playing the guitar. How romantic did you feel after that? Of course you would not expect him or her to serenade you every day, but if you are not sharing those special things you enjoy together, then this could be a sign. It also could be a wake up call to focus on your interests together.

Has your sex live taken a dive? This could be a very good sign that things are amiss. Having said that, there could be a really good reason for your mate to refuse sex. If it seems like your lover is just making excuses and not telling you the real reason then you need to communicate and discuss these issues with care and compassion. Don’t assume that they are not attracted to you anymore, get the facts. And this point leads on to my next observation about relationships.

Is your communication good? Do you still find it easy to talk to your lover? Or do you shudder at the though of bringing up a sensitive topic? If you cannot communicate with each other, then the bottom line is; you are in trouble. No relationship can survive without communication and good communication at that. If you do not have good communication and a comfortable way of relating between you then it is going to be doubly hard to solve any kind of problem that arises. Especially the problem outlined above. You need to know how to listen with your eyes and your ears, and talk from the heart with compassion and care. You should be able to resolve conflict where both partners win.

Do you feel as if you are not good enough? Does your partner put you down or criticise you? We are all good enough, and criticising others is a waste of time. This type of behaviour only shatters that person’s self esteem. How much of a wonderful partner will they be to the other if this is happening? If your partner is criticising you; ask them to stop it. If you are criticising your partner, then stop, now. Find another way to deal with the issues within your lover that you do not like. There are ways of talking with your lover about negative issues without attacking your lover.

Is your partner flirting with others? Or being secretive? Do you think they are cheating on you? This is very hard to spot or pin point and really it’s probably best to ask them straight out. “Are you seeing somebody else?” If they lie to you, you will know, the guilt will be written all over their face, unless the person is an excellent liar. Don’t sneak around and snoop through their things, their mobile phone or car. Confront your lover, head on. You are supposed to trust this person and snooping around or following them is not showing trust. Even if you live with your lover or are married to them, showing them you trust them is really important. As I said above, I feel that you should be completely straight forward about how you feel.

When you first met it was all so easy to keep the spark alive. Perhaps you are feeling like the spark is no longer glowing. This is where you make or break the relationship. It begins with you. You need to look deep into your heart and soul and decide if you really want a relationship with this person. Start by doing as many things as you can to build your self esteem and be a loving person to your self in every way possible. Your partner will begin to respond in kind. Talk out your issues one by one, sticking to that subject until it is resolved, then move on the next topic. Be upfront and direct about what bothers you, and always be compassionate towards your lover. When they are talking about their feelings, try and stand in their shoes as you listen to them and then ask the same of them.

Get involved with your interests and hobbies and encourage them to join you. Have fun together, laugh together. These things are so important in building closeness. This is the beginning of that solid foundation that you will be building for the future. A mature love, that grows and grows and the two of you become one.


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Copyright © 2007 Janelle Coulton