A healthier and better relationship as time goes by. Sometimes one of the partner with the relationship can become selfish, disinterested, distant and self-centered. Is this happening in your relationship? Are you struggling to reach your mate on an intimate level? The partner who is distant can leave the other with feelings of insecurity and uneasiness. This will cause him or her to second guess their actions and words constantly.
Why do you feel that your partner is shutting down? Are they pushing you further from the relationship than you are comfortable with? This will feel like a slap in the face, especially if you were close before. If they are not talking to you about the relationship, they are not calling and you feel shut out and what’s even more frustrating is this behaviour can go on for many months. Most of us have been down this road and my reaction when it happened in my relationship a few years ago was to shut down. We were long distance, so that made it even worse. I stopped calling, I stopped chasing; quite frankly I was fed up! Eventually I heard from him, after about two weeks, he sent me an email and requested that we talk. We talked, but nothing was resolved, he was to insecure with his own emotions to admit that the relationship was not working for him, and he strung me along for another six months. This behaviour happened on and off throughout most of our relationship. It’s a wonder I put up with it for so long.
Most people need their space, this even more important for men, but to shut your partner out is suicide to the relationship. Many people have told me that a man will shut down when women try to control them and are needy and nag too much. Problem is though, women are portraying their needy side because the man is pushing them aside. It’s a double edged sword. We’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t. We know our men like us to be close, especially in the bedroom if you catch my drift. But when we ask for closeness we are labelled as needy. I think some men want to have their cake and eat it too. Women can be guilty of this too. I know I have been in the past.
We tend to pull away when we feel threatened. Perhaps one partner is fed us with the distance and threatens the other that he/she will leave. This is hardly going to build closeness. Men in particular do not want to feel needy towards their woman, and may pull away from the relationship. A woman may do the same, she may stop all sexual contact because she feels insecure within the relationship. This kind of behaviour serves no purpose except to drive a wedge between the couple. Some people may even be afraid of commitment and they are not aware of this fear. Being aware of our fears and expectations within a relationship and expressing these concerns is the first step to good communication and closeness.
The cure for this problem is easy, communication and participating in activities that you both enjoy will encourage closeness and you will both enjoy life and your relationship even more. Joining your partner at a social get-together at work, or a football match is a start. You may not like football however, it is important to be willing to do things that your partner enjoys. They will appreciate the efforts you are making and will most likely respond in kind. You partner will also feel good about him or her self and this will build the security within the relationship to a higher level. Trust, closeness and communication will increase and you and your relationship will be the winners in this scenario.
There could be things that you do that set off the distance within your partner. Analyse your actions and try to piece together what was happening before your partner went AWOL. Think about the things that you say and do, and how this may lead to them becoming distant. Is there pressure in the relationship? Are you both under a great deal of stress for any reason? Are there money worries? Are there health concerns? Many of these problems have a solution. Do you tell them that you love and need them all the time? Maybe it is time to back off on saying these things. This could be putting undue pressure on the relationship. There is such a thing as telling someone you love them too much, besides actions speak louder than words. Try to think of ways you can show your love, rather than speak of love.
Keeping the relationship alive is easy once you get that creative mind of yours working. Fighting and arguing is a lot harder, than creating a pleasant environment for your partner. If you are a woman reading this, then nurturing your relationship is second nature to you. We as women give our relationships top priority. Unfortunately for us though, men do not. Men are more concerned with success and stability. It should be a two way street but if you get the ball rolling, he will respond and make the effort too. When he comes home from work late at night, make him a nice snack and a nightcap and let him relax in his favourite chair. Make him coffee in the morning, or make his lunch before he leaves every day, this will show your love more effectively than saying the words. Make a point of doing the things your partner likes. Dress nicely, and make sure you smell nice. Prepare a nice meal for the two of you, and open a nice bottle of wine. These are all simple things that both of you can do the keep your relationship alive and happy. We all like to feel that our partner is making the extra effort to show their love for us.
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© 2013 Janelle Coulton
